Expert funeral director reveals the decisions that haunt families for years—and how to avoid them

Grief doesn't arrive with instructions. When your mother takes her last breath or your father doesn't wake up, your brain floods with cortisol and adrenaline. You're wired to do something—to fix, to act, to move forward. That biological urgency, funeral director Christa Ovenall warns, is exactly what leads families into decisions they'll regret for decades.

"People think speed equals respect," says Ovenall, who founded Death's Apprentice after years of watching Canadian families navigate loss. "They think moving quickly shows they care. But I've counselled hundreds of families, and the pattern is always the same: the ones who pause, who give themselves permission to breathe first, those are the ones who look back without regret."

The mistakes families make in those first raw hours aren't about lack of love. They're about lack of information. Here are the five most damaging missteps—and what to do when you're standing in that impossible moment.

MISTAKE #1: Dialing 911 When There's No Emergency

❌ THE PROBLEM

Your father has just died in his sleep. Your hands are shaking. You reach for your phone and dial 911 because—what else do you do? It's what we've been conditioned to do in a crisis.

But here's what many Canadians don't realize: a death isn't always an emergency. When you call 911 for an expected death, you're triggering a response system designed for medical intervention. Paramedics arrive. Police may follow. Suddenly your private family moment becomes a scene with flashing lights, strangers in your home, and protocols that have nothing to do with what your family needs.

"I've seen families traumatized by the chaos they accidentally created," Ovenall explains. "They thought they were doing the right thing. Instead, they turned a peaceful passing into something that felt like a crime scene."

✓ WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Pause before you pick up the phone. Ask yourself one question: Was this death expected or unexpected?

If the death was expected:

• Call your parent's primary care physician or palliative care team

• They can pronounce death over the phone or come to the home

• This keeps the moment intimate and manageable

• No sirens, no strangers, no unnecessary intervention

If the death was truly unexpected:

• Yes, call 911—this is when emergency services are appropriate

• Be prepared for police involvement (standard protocol for unexpected deaths)

• The coroner may need to be involved

If you're genuinely unsure:

• Contact your local coroner's office directly

• They can guide you on the appropriate next steps

• This is their job, and they're used to these calls

Special note for hospital deaths: If your parent died in hospital, there is zero urgency. Hospitals have morgue facilities. You can sit with your parent for hours if you need to. No one is rushing you. Take the time you need.

"The body isn't going anywhere," Ovenall says gently. "But these moments—these last chances to sit together—you can't get those back."

MISTAKE #2: Having No Idea Where Anything Is

❌ THE PROBLEM

Your mother has died, and now you need to find... what exactly? The will? Her health card? Banking information? You start opening drawers. Then filing cabinets. Then you're in the basement going through boxes from 1987, and your siblings are arguing about whether Mom kept important papers in the safety deposit box or the freezer (yes, people do this), and meanwhile you can't even access her phone because you don't know the passcode.

This isn't a treasure hunt. This is a nightmare.

"Families waste days—sometimes weeks—playing detective," Ovenall observes. "And the cruel irony is that some documents depend on other documents. You need the death certificate to access the safety deposit box, but the will is in the safety deposit box, and you need the will to know who has authority to request the death certificate."

It's a bureaucratic catch-22 that turns grief into frustration.

✓ WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Start with the will—it's your skeleton key. The will doesn't just divide assets. It names the executor, and the executor is the only person with legal authority to make decisions about the funeral, the body, and how everything proceeds.

Without a will, provincial law determines who's in charge, and it might not be who you think. In some provinces, a common-law partner has no automatic rights. In others, estranged family members can suddenly have decision-making power.

Create a document scavenger hunt list right now:

• The will (and any codicils or updates)

• Social Insurance Number

• Health card and provincial ID

• Passport and driver's license

• Pre-paid funeral arrangements (if they exist)

• Insurance policies (life, home, auto)

• Banking information and account numbers

• Digital passwords (phone, tablet, email, social media)

• Property deeds and vehicle ownership

Here's the hard truth: This conversation needs to happen before someone dies, not after.

"I know it's uncomfortable," Ovenall acknowledges. "But I promise you, the discomfort of asking your parent where they keep their will is nothing compared to the agony of tearing apart their house while you're grieving."

Practical steps to take today:

• Ask your parents directly: "Where do you keep important documents?"

• Request a list of accounts, passwords, and key contacts

• Find out if they have a safety deposit box (and where the key is)

• Get the name and contact info for their lawyer, accountant, and financial advisor

• Add yourself as an authorized contact on key accounts if possible

If your parent resists, frame it as a gift: "I want to honor your wishes. I can't do that if I don't know where to find them."

MISTAKE #3: Walking Into the Funeral Home Cold

❌ THE PROBLEM

You've made an appointment at the funeral home. You're expecting to talk about flowers, music, maybe whether to have a reception. Instead, the funeral director sits you down and starts firing questions that feel like a pop quiz on your parent's entire life:

"What was your father's occupation—his longest-held job title and the specific industry?"

"What are your grandmother's full maiden name and birthplace?"

"Was your mother Indigenous, a veteran, or a police officer?"

"How tall was your father? How much did he weigh?"

You're staring blankly. You have no idea. You feel like you're failing some kind of test, and the funeral director is waiting, pen poised over paperwork that apparently can't proceed without these answers.

"This is when families fall apart," Ovenall says. "They're already emotionally raw, and now they feel incompetent because they can't answer basic questions. But these aren't basic questions—they're specific legal requirements for death registration."

✓ WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Understand that registration comes before everything else. Before you can plan a service, before you can talk about cremation or burial, before anything else happens, the death must be legally registered with the province. That registration requires specific information.

Come prepared with these details:

Basic vital statistics:

• Full legal name (including any previous names)

• Exact date and place of birth

• Exact date, time, and place of death

• Marital status and spouse's information

Employment history:

• Longest-held occupation (not just "retired")

• The industry they worked in

• This goes on the death certificate and matters for statistical purposes

Family ancestry:

• Both parents' full names (including mother's maiden name)

• Both parents' birthplaces

• This is required for genealogical records

Special status questions:

• Indigenous ancestry (specific nation if applicable)

• Military service (veteran status and service number if possible)

• Police or firefighter service

• These can unlock financial assistance for funeral costs

Physical information:

• Approximate height and weight

• This determines how many staff are needed for safe handling

• It's practical, not morbid

Pro tip: If you can't answer everything immediately, ask the funeral director which information is urgent and which can be provided later. Some details can wait; others hold up the entire process.

"The families who do best are the ones who've had these conversations beforehand," Ovenall notes. "But if you're already in crisis mode, don't be afraid to say, 'I need to find this information and get back to you.' A good funeral director will work with you."

MISTAKE #4: Choosing Cremation Without Understanding What You're Choosing

❌ THE PROBLEM

The funeral director asks: "Burial or cremation?"

You're exhausted. Cremation sounds simpler, faster, less expensive. You say cremation. The funeral director nods and moves on.

Three weeks later, you're sitting with your father's ashes, and it hits you: You never got to see him one last time. He wasn't dressed in the suit he loved. There was no chance to say goodbye to his physical presence. You thought cremation was just the method of final disposition. You didn't realize you were also choosing to skip everything that could have come before it.

"This is the regret I hear most often," Ovenall says quietly. "Families think cremation means no viewing, no ceremony, no preparation of the body. They think it's an all-or-nothing package. Then they realize too late that they gave up things they didn't have to give up."

✓ WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Separate the method from the meaning. Cremation is simply what happens to the body after everything else. It's not a shortcut that erases all other options.

Here's what many Canadians don't know:

Everything you can do with burial, you can do with cremation:

• Your parent can be bathed, dressed, and prepared

• You can have a viewing or visitation

• You can hold a full funeral service with the body present

• You can take all the time you need for goodbyes

• Then cremation happens

"Cremation is just the final step," Ovenall explains. "It doesn't dictate everything that comes before it."

Questions to ask before deciding:

• Do we want to see our parent one last time?

• Should they be dressed in specific clothing?

• Do we want a formal viewing where others can pay respects?

• Would a ceremony with the body present bring closure?

• What does "direct cremation" actually include—and exclude?

Understand the terminology:

• Direct cremation: The body goes directly from place of death to crematory with minimal preparation. No viewing, no ceremony beforehand, no dressing or cosmetic preparation unless you specifically request it.

• Cremation with services: Everything you want happens first—viewing, ceremony, preparation—then cremation occurs afterward.

The cost difference might be less than you think. Yes, additional services cost money. But if seeing your parent one last time matters, if dressing them in their favorite outfit brings peace, if gathering around their physical presence helps your family grieve—those aren't luxuries. They're part of healing.

"I've never had a family tell me they regretted taking time for a proper goodbye," Ovenall reflects. "But I've had many, many families tell me they wish they hadn't rushed."

Give yourself permission to slow down. Cremation will still be there tomorrow, next week, whenever you're ready. There's no prize for speed.

MISTAKE #5: Clearing Out the House Before the Lawyer Sees the Will

❌ THE PROBLEM

Your father has died. The funeral is over. Now you're standing in his house, and it's full of stuff. Your sister wants the china cabinet. Your brother is asking about the car. A cousin mentions that Dad promised her his record collection. Everyone means well, but suddenly you're making decisions about who gets what, and things are disappearing from the house.

Then the lawyer reads the will.

The china cabinet your sister took? It was specifically bequeathed to your aunt. The car your brother assumed he'd inherit? Your father had arranged to donate it to a charity. That record collection? It's worth $15,000, and now there's a legal mess because it's already gone.

"This is where families implode," Ovenall warns. "Good intentions create legal nightmares. I've seen siblings stop speaking over this. I've seen estates tied up in court for years."

✓ WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Freeze everything until the will is read. Nothing gets distributed, sold, donated, or promised until the executor has reviewed the complete estate with a lawyer.

Why this matters:

• The will might contain specific bequests you don't know about

• Items you think are worthless might have significant value

• Gifts given during life might need to be accounted for in the estate

• Selling or giving away estate property can create legal liability

• You might inadvertently trigger tax consequences

What executors should do:

Immediately:

• Secure the property (change locks if necessary)

• Document everything (photos, videos, written inventory)

• Notify family that nothing can be distributed yet

• Find and review the will with a lawyer

Communicate clearly:

• "I know this is hard, but we need to follow the legal process"

• "The will might contain surprises—we need to see it first"

• "Doing this properly protects everyone, including you"

• "I'll keep you updated, but this takes time"

Handle pressure with boundaries:

• Family member: "But Dad promised me that watch!"

• You: "I understand. Once we've reviewed the will with the lawyer, we'll know exactly what Dad's wishes were. Until then, everything stays put."

The timeline reality:

• Reading the will: Days to weeks

• Probate (if required): Months

• Full estate settlement: Often 6-12 months or longer

"I know families want closure," Ovenall acknowledges. "But rushing this process doesn't create closure. It creates chaos. Doing it properly takes time, but it's time well spent."

One exception: Personal items of purely sentimental value (photos, letters, small mementos) can often be shared informally if all family members agree and the executor approves. But anything of potential financial value? It waits.

The Conversation That Changes Everything

If there's one message Christa Ovenall wants every Canadian family to hear, it's this: The time to prepare for death is before anyone is dying.

"We plan for weddings a year in advance," she points out. "We research buying a car for weeks. But death? We avoid the conversation until we're in crisis, and then we're making massive decisions in the worst possible emotional state."

What preparation actually looks like:

Have the awkward conversation:

• "Mom, I need to know where you keep important documents."

• "Dad, have you thought about what kind of funeral you'd want?"

• "Can we talk about your wishes while we still can?"

Create a death plan document that includes:

• Location of will and other legal documents

• Executor contact information

• Funeral preferences (burial, cremation, ceremony wishes)

• List of accounts and passwords

• Key contacts (lawyer, accountant, financial advisor)

• Medical information and advance directives

Make information accessible:

• Don't hide everything in a safety deposit box

• Tell at least two trusted people where documents are

• Consider a password manager for digital access

• Update information when circumstances change

Review and update regularly:

• Wills should be reviewed every few years

• Update after major life changes (marriage, divorce, births, deaths)

• Ensure executor is still willing and able to serve

• Confirm contact information is current

"I know these conversations feel morbid," Ovenall says. "But you know what's actually morbid? Watching families tear themselves apart because no one wanted to have an uncomfortable conversation when there was still time."

The families who navigate loss with the least trauma aren't the ones who move fastest. They're the ones who prepared ahead, who gave themselves permission to pause when the moment came, and who understood that honoring someone's death means doing it thoughtfully, not quickly.

Your parent's death will be hard enough. Don't make it harder by avoiding the conversations that could make it bearable.

Start today. Have the conversation. Write things down. Tell someone where everything is.

Because the greatest gift you can give your family isn't a perfect funeral. It's the information they'll need to make decisions you'd be proud of.